The Beauty Within
by CastleWriter16
Summary: His life will never be the same. Alexis - his daughter, his baby girl, his whole *world* - will never be the same. What happens when the one constant in his life is suddenly fighting to survive?
1. Beauty from Pain

**A/N: Pre Always. No secrets.**

**_For Danielle. We love and miss you._**

* * *

_Beauty from Pain~Superchick_

* * *

The light that streams in through her bedroom blinds wakes her up, selfishly pulling her from the first restful night she's had in days. She very slowly becomes aware of her father sitting on her bed, his hand loosely draped over hers. Alexis gives him a small smile, still drugged with the feeling of sleep.

"Hey, Dad."

"I'm gonna tell her today," he says softly. "I think it's time."

"Yeah," she agrees, sitting up. "I - we've kept this from her long enough. She needs to know." Her father nods, averts his eyes. "Dad, she'll understand."

He sighs. "I know."

"I'm sorry."

His head snaps up and he gives her the look. The look he's been giving her for the past month. The don't-you-dare look.

Alexis nods and drops back down to the mattress. "So tired, Daddy," she mumbles.

"I know, sweetie," he says, dropping a kiss to her forehead. "Go back to sleep. Gram's downstairs if you need anything. I'll probably be back around one." She nods again and pulls the covers tightly around her.

She squeezes his hand three times. _I love you._

He squeezes her hand four times in response. _I love you, too._

"Sleep, baby girl," he says as he leaves.

* * *

The waiting is killing her. Absolutely _killing_ her. Where the heck is Castle?

She taps her foot impatiently as she sits idle on the park bench. _Central Park, Castle? Really?_

And then there's the fact that she hasn't actually talked to him in _days_. No, more like weeks, actually. He had that stupid book tour in Europe and then he sent her an email saying that they needed to take a break.

She didn't take it personally - he said it was a family emergency - but he didn't answer any of her calls. There were a few texts here and there and _one_ phone call when he got stuck in the airport, but that's it. No Castle for a month.

Kate looks at her watch again. Twenty minutes late. Geez, Castle.

She's about to pull her book out of her bag when her phone rings.

"Running a little late, are we?" she says jokingly.

"I'm sorry. I - uh. I'll be there in two minutes. Cab's pulling up now."

"Okay. Calm down, Castle. It's fine."

"Yeah. Right. I'll-I'll be there in a sec."

"Okay." Two minutes. She can wait two minutes.

Without thinking about it, she pulls her makeup bag out of her purse and reapplies her lip gloss. She pushes her sunglasses up on her head and takes deep breath.

Whatever prompted this meeting, she's ready for it. She's ready for him.

She sees him round the corner and her eyes meet his for instant before he averts his gaze back to the ground. Kate gets up from her spot on the bench, purse forgotten, and meets him halfway across the lush green grass that makes up the park. "Hey, Castle."

He looks back up at her, but his eyes look…_apprehensive_ and hurt and something else she can't quite place.

"Coffee," he says quickly, pushing a to-go cup into her hands. "Just the way you like it. And I'm sorry about being late. I just. Alexis-"

"It's fine. You're here now, aren't you?" She nudges him back towards the bench with her shoulder, moving her purse to the end so she can sit right next to him, thighs brushing, scents mingled-

And whoa, Kate. Stop. It's just a coffee in the park.

"How are you?" he asks, and suddenly her hand is on his knee, squeezing.

"Castle, what's wrong?" His face darkens; his eyes become distant and she swears she can see a tear or two forming.

He puts his hand on top of hers and takes a deep breath. "Kate, I - I need to tell you something. And it's not easy and I don't have the words…" Castle sighs and squeezes her hand.

"Hey," she says gently, "You can tell me anything, okay? I hope that you know that by now, Castle."

"Alexis. Alexis-" He stops short and leans back against the bench, taking another breath.

She doesn't know what to do. This is so not like him. He's always open - sometimes too open - but he's never had trouble sharing with her.

"Castle?" He sits back up and turns so he's facing her better.

"Alexis has Leukemia," he finally chokes out.

* * *

He pushes his fries around on his plate, dragging them through the ketchup and writing her name over and over. _Alexis, Alexis, Alexis._

"Castle." He looks up from his plate to be met with an incredibly concerned Kate. "You're going to drive yourself crazy."

"I found out while I was away," he finds himself saying, unable to stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. "I left early because she was coughing up blood and she wouldn't eat and she had this weird fever. When I came home, the doctors tested her, blood work and such. I just never thought…"

"No, no one ever does," she says softly. "You never think it will be your kid that gets sick or your parents that get divorced or your mom that gets murdered. And it sucks when it is. But you know what? I'm going to be here _every step of the way_. Partners."

"Always."

Kate gives him a reassuring smile and nods towards his fries. "C'mon, Castle. Eat." He shakes his head at her and pushes the plate away.

"You eat them. I'm really not hungry."

"Castle. I have never, ever seen you turn down fries here. You don't want to break tradition and tempt the universe, do you?"

"You don't believe in that stuff."

"But you do," she says, arching an eyebrow.

Defeat crosses his face and he sighs. "Well, I think that the universe would approve of sharing the fries, right?" He dips a fry in ketchup and holds it out to her.

She opens her mouth to protest - he's not going to feed her, thank you very much - and he pops the fry in her mouth.

"Castle," she chides, swallowing the fry.

Rick quirks an eyebrow and takes a sip of his shake. "C'mon, Kate. You know you liked it."

"Grow up, Castle."

"Someday."

"Today would be nice."

* * *

Her hands shake as she sits in the waiting room. She feels nauseous. The fluorescent lights above her buzz in the silence and she's starting to wish that she had brought a book or something to help her calm down. Instead, she's left worrying and picking at the chipped nail polish on her thumb.

"Alexis Castle?" She looks up to see a nurse who's probably in her late twenties waiting for her, clipboard in hand. There's a sorry smile on her face; she seems nice enough.

"Come on, pumpkin," Castle says softly, grabbing her hand. "Together."

"Together," she repeats, allowing him to lead her to a back office.

Doctor Aimes greets them from behind his desk, wearing a white lab coat. "Hey, guys. C'mon in. Have a seat." His informal demeanor seems odd given the circumstances, but she shakes it off and sits down next to her father, double checks to make sure her phone is on silent.

"How are you, Alexis?"

"I'm okay," she says quietly, her eyes burning. It's all so real now that she's sitting in an office to discuss her treatment plan. She can't force it out of her mind when it's right in front of her.

"What's your energy level today?"

"Honestly? It's a three. I'm feeling kinda sluggish."

Aimes nods and writes something down in her file. "How's her appetite?"

"I'm having trouble getting her to eat more than a snack-sized meal. Breakfast is a no-go altogether."

"I see." Another note is made in the file and the doctor looks up at her with concerned eyes. "And you've lost quite a bit of weight."

She nods and averts her eyes. "Yeah."

"Fevers?"

"Mhm." The questions about her symptoms continue. Is she having joint pain? Is she bruising easily? How is she sleeping at night?

Her mind spins and her voice catches in her throat more than once.

"Alexis?" She snaps out of her anxiety-induced trance and looks back up at Doctor Aimes expectantly. "Take a break. Get some water and then come back in. Clear your mind. I know this is all a little overwhelming."

* * *

Alexis walks back in about five minutes later. He takes her hand as she sits down and squeezes three times. She smiles at him and squeezes four times back.

She still looks nervous, but her hands aren't shaking anymore; she's not quite so pale. Well, okay, she was pale before. Still. She looks more at ease.

Doctor Aimes pulls something up on his computer screen and glances down at the notes in Alexis' file. "Alexis, would you like to go over the specifics of the disease? And then we'll talk treatment?"

She nods mutely and looks back over at him. "Yes," he says, vocalizing her decision.

He's noticed that Alexis has become much quieter over the past few weeks. She looks to him for approval and reassurance when making decisions. It's a bit odd that his independent, bubbly, happy, nineteen year old has become so-

Different. It's going to take some getting used to. For everyone.

"Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, as I'm sure I've already explained, progresses very quickly. Your body is producing a large amount of immature white blood cells. These are replacing the cells in your bone marrow and preventing healthy blood cells from being made. At first the leukemia cells function normally, but over time, they crowd out normal white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. This makes it difficult for your blood to properly do its job.

"I would like to do a lumbar puncture to make sure there are no leukemia cells in your spinal fluid. It's a quick procedure that takes thirty to forty-five minutes. Afterwards, you should plan on resting, laying down for several hours to help avoid headaches."

Alexis' grip on his hand tightens and he smooths his thumb over her knuckles in an attempt to calm her down. "Of course. How soon?"

"Monday morning? I would like to get this done as soon as possible so we can create a treatment plan accordingly."

"Right," he says, glancing back over to Alexis.

"I'll have my secretary coordinate that with you on your way out."

Alexis pulls her hand away and tucks her hair behind her ear. "Will my dad be allowed to be in the room for the procedure?"

"If it would make you more comfortable, then I will try to arrange that."

"Thank you." Doctor Aimes smiles and folds his hands in front of him.

"We will do our best to make this as easy as possible for you, Alexis."

He hears his daughter exhale and she slides her hand into his again, apparently needing the reassurance.

"What happens after you do the lumbar puncture?" he asks, swallowing past the knot in his throat.

"We start chemotherapy, which will require a long hospital stay. Since the disease is so aggressive, it's best to start treatment as soon as possible. If there are leukemia cells in the spinal cord, special chemotherapy is given to the area around the spinal column."

"Statistics?" The word falls out of his mouth before he can stop it. He promised himself he would not ask that in front of Alexis. Crap. Well, too late now.

"The chances of survival are about sixty percent."

* * *

Kate walks to the loft, despite the darkness that is slowly falling over the city. All she can seem to think about is the look on Castle's face earlier.

His eyes were dark, swirling with pain and fear. She couldn't help but notice the number of times he glanced at his watch. She felt selfish for keeping him from Alexis.

No crazy theories, no friendly banter. Just small talk and awkward silences.

Rounding the corner, she can't help but stop to buy one of the magazines on display.

_**Disney World Denies Entry to 15-Year-Old Dressed as Tinkerbell**_

Castle needs something to make him smile. This should do it.

She tucks the magazine into her bag between the stacks of paperwork she failed to finish before leaving. But honestly, she wouldn't have been able to finish it even if she'd stayed. Too much to think about.

The doorman on shift smiles at her as she enters the building; she doesn't recognize him, but she smiles back anyway.

Stairs seem like the better option - she didn't run this morning - and she's gets to Castle's floor in record time. She knocks on the door and runs a hand through her hair.

"Kate. Hey. Glad you could make it. Let me get that," he says, reaching for her bag.

"Thanks, Castle." He gives her a small smile and ushers her into the kitchen, his palm at the small of her back. She sits down on a barstool and accepts his offer of wine while he finishes cooking.

Whatever he's making smells delicious, and as she sips her wine, she becomes more and more aware of the silence that surrounds them. "Where's Alexis?"

"Upstairs taking a nap. Actually, I should probably go get her. This is just about ready. Excuse me a minute?" She nods and watches as he disappears upstairs, worry etched into his face.

She knocks back the rest of her wine and sets about retrieving the magazine from her bag. Kate sinks into the corner of his couch, thumbing through the pages until she finds the right story. Ah, here we go. Was it a waste of six dollars?

It's only a page and a half and it's rather opinionated, but well, it's still..._interesting_. Castle will get a kick out of it.

She leaves the magazine open on the coffee table for later and stands up, rolls her neck along her shoulders. Sitting with her head propped up on her elbow for nearly half an hour was not a good idea.

"Kate." She turns and runs into Castle, who has apparently snuck up on her and is now peering down at the coffee table.

"Hey. Picked it up on the way. Thought you'd find it amusing."

"Yeah. Interesting. Huh. I'll finish it later. Dinner's gonna burn," he says, already making his way back to the stove.

"What _is_ for dinner, Castle?"

"Come see." As she moves around the island, Castle's phone rings. He moves around her and snags his phone off the counter. "Hey."

He cradles the phone against his shoulder to free up his hands and walks back over to her, stirring what appears to be alfredo sauce. "No, I understand. Don't worry about it. Kate's here…Yeah, I'll tell her. 'Kay. Bye."

He shuts off one of the back burners and lifts the pot off the stove, turning towards the sink. "My mother sends her apologies. She got held up at an audition, won't make it till later. Alexis should be-"

"Detective Beckett?"

Oh, wow. She knew that this was a fast-progressing disease, but seeing Alexis so pale and _gaunt_ is rather startling. "Hey Alexis. And please. Call me Kate."

Alexis gives her a small nod and joins them in kitchen, falling into easy rhythm with Castle. Alexis sets the table and dishes out pasta. Castle slathers sauce onto each helping and Kate takes all three plates to the table.

Once she and Alexis are seated, Castle insists on 'being a gentleman' and getting their drinks for them. Castle pours her another glass of wine and sits down next to her, elbowing her in the ribs just because he can. Kate tries her hardest to suppress her grin. Maybe the light-hearted Castle isn't totally gone.

Silence falls over the room quickly. Rain falls outside, pounding relentlessly against the windows. It's fitting, considering the way today's gone.

Alexis pushes her food around on her plate, taking a bite here and there, hardly eating anything. Castle's quiet, but at least he's eating. Lunch at Remy's resulted in her eating his fries.

"This is delicious, Castle," she says, sucking sauce off her thumb.

"Yeah. Very good, Dad."

Castle smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Well thanks, ladies. Glad you approve. However, Alexis, you're not really eating anything."

"Dad-"

"I know, I know. You're not hungry. But Doctor Aimes said you need to eat a least one normal-sized meal."

"Dad." Alexis casts a glance in Kate's direction and bites her bottom lip. "Not right now." She watches as Alexis' surprisingly stern tone slices through Castle like a knife, just barely catches the flicker of pain that flashes across his eyes.

"So," she says, deciding to change the topic, "We caught a body this afternoon. Guy was killed with bubblegum."

Castle looks up at her incredulously. "No way."

She smirks at him and takes another bite of pasta. "Some psychopath with a chemistry doctorate infused it with cyanide. Mob hit. The guy didn't stand a chance."

"And I missed it?" he whines, forgetting for a moment exactly why he wasn't there. "You have any suspects?"

"Not yet. We're doing a sweep of his apartment tomorrow."

"Cool," he says, taking a swig of wine. "Let me know when you catch the killer."

"Of course," she says, smiling around her wine glass.

Alexis looks up at her and mouths 'thank you'. Kate gives her a small smile and nods towards the girl's plate. Alexis rolls her eyes, but Kate can tell that she's not really annoyed.

The redhead takes an exaggerated bite of pasta. _Look Kate, I'm eating._

She nods and takes a huge bite of pasta. _Now we're both eating._

Alexis giggles and Castle looks up at them confusedly, having missed the whole exchange. "What?"

"Nothing," Alexis says innocently.

"Uh-huh. Eat your dinner."

"What is she? Nine? She's eating, Castle. Calm down." Castle eyes her wearily and glances over to Alexis again.

"Fine," he says dramatically. "But I'm picking the movie."

* * *

She hates the hollowness of her hands. The tendons of her fingers are skeleton through breaking through skin. Her veins are more prominent, even on her wrists and at the thick bases of a few of her fingers. Each knuckle is overly-rounded, almost as if her hand were fisted. Her wrist bone pushes through, knobby and ugly. Her hands look just like she feels.

Lifeless.

Her face is thin - too thin - her cheekbones are sharp slants across her face. Her cheeks look as if she's sucking them in, craters on her face. Her collarbone juts out more than she's comfortable with. Every bone in her body pushes through her skin, aching at the slightest touch, the slightest movement. Bruises mottle her skin in various places; her elbow from bumping the edge of the dresser, her thigh from leaning over the edge of her father's desk in an attempt to see his computer screen. No matter how careful she is, another bruise always finds a place to settle.

She feels eyes on her all the time: her father, protective and worried as they walk the streets, always one step behind her should her knees give out. Her grandmother looks at her as if she's a fragile piece of glass that's precariously perched on the edge of a precipice. She doesn't miss the looks she gets when she's out, but she pretends not to notice for her father's sake. It's difficult to fake enthusiasm now. The smiles are getting harder and harder to produce.

Fatigue courses through her veins, but sometimes at night she can't sleep. The darkness swallows her whole and takes her to a place where this doesn't go away; it invades her body, seeps into the deep crevices of her mind.

Often she wakes to find that she's kicked off her covers in her sleep, a thin layer of cold sweat covering her body. She's had so much fever-reducing medicine in the past few weeks that she can't get the taste out of her mouth.

Life moves all around her and carries on as if nothing's wrong. Everything happens so quickly: the diagnosis, the testing, the rapid side effects.

When she looks in the mirror, she doesn't see herself. Instead she sees an un-pretty little girl, too scared and emotionally raw to think about anything more than pulling herself through another day. For her father, her grandmother, and the people in her life that have kept her going all this time. She has to keep fighting for them.

She knows she can't give up. She has too far to go. She has to beat this.

Alexis takes a deep breath and holds back her tears, shrugging on a hoodie before silently slipping downstairs.

The lights are dim, nothing more than a lamp in the living room that someone left on, but the stream of light from under the study door tells her that her father's still up attempting to write.

Deep down she knows that because of the last few weeks - because of her, really - he's not been able to write anything. He's probably behind on his manuscript; Gina's probably pushing him, sending him texts and emails. Gina has no compassion when it comes to these sorts of things. She learned that a long time ago.

Making her way across the living room, she knocks lightly on the study door. It swings open a fraction of a second later.

"Hey pumpkin. Can't sleep?" She shakes her head and he pulls her into a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "How 'bout a movie? _Pride and Prejudice_?"

"Yeah," she murmurs.

She won't allow the darkness to swallow her tonight.

* * *

**:)CastleWriter16**


	2. Cry

_Cry~Alexx Calise _

* * *

_The pain is unbearable. She can't breathe, can't move without it ripping at her chest. Oh God, she's going to die. She's going to die, she's going to die, she's going to die._

_A muddled voice emerges through the haziness, but she can't quite place it. She doesn't know where it's coming from, who it belongs to. She forces her eyes shut and tries again. _

"_Alexis, baby, talk to me." Her father hovers over her, a hand cupping her cheek. It's only then that she realizes she's lying supine on the floor, the living room spinning around her. "It's gonna be okay, sweetie. It'll be alright. Just stay with me."_

_It feels like someone's got a knee in her neck; she can't get out words past the lump in her throat._

_Another jolt of pain shoots through her chest and blood begins to pool around her. _

"_ALEXIS!" She lifts a blood-covered hand, grips the sleeve of her father's shirt._

"_L-love…you," she rasps. Her vision blurs and she finds herself in a sea of white, drowning, her whole body weighted._

_There's a ledge above her, bathed in blood. Her blood, she realizes. If she could just grab it, pull herself up…maybe she'll be safe._

_She desperately claws at the nothingness that surrounds her, somehow gets hold of the edge of the stone. _

"_Hold on, Alexis. I'm coming. Just hold on!"_

_She grips the stone so hard her knuckles are white. _Crack._ The ledge crumbles under her hands and she can't hold on anymore. _

_She's propelled into the endless white below her: falling, falling, falling._

_The farther she falls, the darker it gets, until there's no white light at all, only total blackness._

_This must be what it's like to die._

* * *

As she wakes, she jolts upright in the bed, her comforter sliding down to her waist.

Just a dream. She's not dead.

_She's not dead._

Her heart-rate slows; she eases herself back down to the mattress, pulling her blanket up with her.

Alexis glances at the clock on the nightstand, tries to decide whether or not she can get away with just staying up. The neon green numbers read 2: 38. Ugh, too early.

She rolls over onto her right side, curls an arm under her pillow. Moonlight streams in and casts a silver pathway on her floor. It lulls her into a state of half-awareness until her eyelids are too heavy to keep open.

* * *

Mmm. Coffee. Caffeine. Yeah.

Kate takes a large sip of her latte and closes her eyes, relishing in the silky warmth. Her mind drifts aimlessly, eventually bringing her back to Remy's with Castle. How defeated he looked, the hollowness of his eyes. It's just not him.

Castle's always happy and smiley, spouting ridiculous theories and cracking stupid jokes that aren't funny half of the time. But that's what makes him who he is; that's why she loves him.

It's hard to see him like this. She can't imagine what he's going through. Alexis is everything to Castle, his whole world. Without her, there'd be an impossible void to fill.

Esposito brings her out of her reverie. "Yo, Beckett! Body in Central Park. You comin'?"

"Um. Sure." She quickly snatches her gun from the top drawer of her desk and gulps down the rest of her coffee. "Let's roll."

* * *

Music floats softly through the room, light and happy and totally misleading. Alexis sinks further into the tub, letting bubbles tickle her chin. This was supposed to be relaxing, but the cheerful, happy, incessant chirping of Pandora's music selection is mocking her anger and downcast mood. _'Cause I'm just tryin' to be happy, ya…_ Next time she will make sure she has a decent playlist ready.

Her heart's aching, unable to cope with the reality of the situation.

She has cancer. She can't control it.

It's not like anything other fear she can think of. She can't turn on a lamp or close her eyes. She can't work harder or study more. She can't do anything to stop it. It's inside her body, always with her.

It's crippling. Her internship with Lanie was terminated; college has to be put on hold. And she's prevented her father not only from writing, but also from working with Kate and the boys. She told him last week that he should go; she'd be fine and she'd be mostly sleeping anyway. He'd looked at her like she was crazy.

And maybe part of her was glad that he wanted to be there with her, cuddle up on the couch and watch movies, but the other part of her feels like she's preventing him from having a life. She wants him to still be him. She doesn't want to be the reason Richard Castle ceases to exist as the world knows him.

Cancer sucks.

The water is beginning to get cold, so she lets it drain and drags herself out of the lavender scented bubbles.

Toweling off, she silences Leona Lewis and her stupid happiness.

* * *

She squeezes his hand one more time and exhales slowly, lets the anesthetic work its way into her back. Alexis feels like a child curled up on her side like this, knees drawn to her chest. Her whole back is exposed, and there's a chill in the room that's giving her goose bumps.

"Just relax, Alexis," her father soothes, brushing his fingers over her hair.

"You might feel a slight pinch when I insert the needle," Doctor Aimes warns. "Okay?"

Alexis gives a minute nod and closes her eyes. This is it. This is the treatment that starts the ball rolling.

Doctor Aimes inserts the needle and she feels it press into her spine sharply, a pinch and then an odd pressure; her eyes snap open. A few seconds of nothingness pass. "I'm having trouble getting the spinal fluid, so I'm going to need to try and go in a few spaces down."

The pressure in her back drains as he pulls the needle out and then intensifies once again as he reinserts it. "You're doing great, sweetheart."

"Okay, one more time." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as Doctor Aimes pushes the needle back in. "Third time's the charm. Can you straighten your legs for me, Alexis?"

The exam table gives her chills all over again as she stretches her legs, the metal unforgivingly cold.

"I'm going to attach a manometer to the needle so I can take a pressure reading while I collect the spinal fluid."

"Can I see it?"

"Sure." Doctor Aimes hands it to the nurse that's been hovering by her father. The nurse cradles it in her palm and holds it out for her to see.

"Tiny, huh?"

"Yeah. It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be."

"It's pretty light. Hardly weighs anything."

Alexis smiles. "Thanks."

"Not a problem," the nurse says, handing the manometer back to Doctor Aimes.

The physicality of seeing the manometer made it both more real and less scary, which is rather paradoxical, now that she's thinking about it. In theory, the more real the disease becomes, the more fearful she should be, right? It should become more consuming. But the manometer is nothing more than a tiny piece of metal.

"Alright, that's about it. I'm just going to clean the puncture site and bandage it up."

She can finally breathe.

* * *

He catches himself staring for too long as he's finishing up Alexis' discharge paperwork. She's talking animatedly with the nurse from the lumbar puncture. He's not sure what they could possibly be talking about that has kept Alexis engaged for this long; her attention span has been much shorter recently. Everything makes her tired.

"You finished with those, Mister Castle?" the perky blonde secretary asks, nodding towards his clipboard.

"Um, yeah. Thanks." He hands the clipboard over and sneaks another glance at Alexis.

"You'll want to make sure she's drinking plenty of fluids over the next several hours and that she lies down to minimize the headache."

"Great. Thanks."

"No problem. Have a good day, sir."

"You too," he says half-heartedly, heading towards the waiting area.

"Hey, Dad," Alexis says, smiling. "This is Allison."

"Nice to meet you," he says with as much warm as he can manage.

"Allison's an intern in the surgical program. Isn't that cool?"

He's overjoyed to see Alexis this excited about something. "Yeah, that's great. You know what you want to specialize in yet?"

"I really like oncology, actually," Allison says, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "Doctor Aimes has been letting me help with a lot of his surgeries."

"That's awesome. I think we're gonna head out, but I'm sure we'll see you soon."

Alexis stands up and shrugs her coat back on, tucks her arm into the crook of his elbow. "Great meeting you, Allison," Castle says, ushering Alexis down the hallway.

* * *

The headache is much worse than she had anticipated. It feels like someone is squeezing her head, pushing her into the mattress. Her body is heavy and weighted and sluggish; it's getting harder to keep herself awake.

Sleep tugs at her, trying to pull her under, but her mom's supposed to call her in a half hour and she doesn't want to miss it.

Calls and emails have become so rare between them and Alexis hates it. She's never asked anything of her mother; she learned to lower her expectations so the disappointments weren't so hard to take. This is the one time she wants her mom here, the one time she's asked for something more.

And if Meredith doesn't give it to her, she's not sure what she'll do.

"Alexis?" She rolls onto her side to find Lanie standing in her bedroom doorway, a soft smile on her face. "How'd it go this morning?"

"Okay, I guess. They had to reposition the needle a few times. Headache's pretty bad." Alexis pushes herself up, sits crossed-legged on the bed, and grabs the remote to turn off the TV. "Who's going tonight?" She has to brace herself against her headboard to make it through the wave of dizziness that washes over her.

"Kate, your dad. Ryan and Jenny. Esposito," Lanie says, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her. "I don't know why your dad wants me to go. I already know."

"Probably wants you to soften the blow for Esposito," Alexis teases.

Lanie rolls her eyes and huffs out an exaggerated breath. "There will be no softening of anything. None whatsoever."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire."

"I'm wearing a skirt," Lanie scoffs.

"Whatever. You're going to be late for your triple date."

* * *

"Mom, I-"

"Alexis, I have to go. Cab's here. But I'll talk to you soon, alright?"

"Yeah," Alexis says, defeated. She drops the phone on the bed and falls back against the mattress, curling into herself. Hot tears rush down her cheeks, a river of sadness and frustration and disappointment. She should've known better. She shouldn't have believed that this time would be any different.

The small amount of confidence she had left in her mother is stripped away. The missed birthdays and cancelled trips. Her high school graduation. The unfulfilled promises. It's all added up over the years. And it's too much.

She's done trying.

Alexis buries her face in a pillow, hugging it to her chest. Sobs wrack her entire body, coursing through her in waves.

_I'm not good enough_ floats through her mind briefly, followed by _Why doesn't she want me?_ and a whole slew of questions she knows aren't valid.

Snagging her phone from the corner of her bed, she angrily texts _**She's not coming. Movie role**_, and hits send, waits for the little checkmark to appear on her screen.

Betrayal claws at her heart, squeezing, leaving her empty. She clenches her jaw and tries to keep the next wave of tears from coming, her breaths short and stuttering.

She swipes at her cheeks, collecting renegade tears that just won't stop.

Alexis forces a deep inhale, exhaling slowly. The tears are not worth it. They're not going to change anything.

All of her energy needs to be put into the battle that she has ahead.

Her phone vibrates. _**Call me.**_

_**I'll be fine. See you when you get back.**_

She falls asleep with an arm curled around Monkey-Bunkey.

* * *

Kate's halfway through her first beer when Esposito cracks a joke about Castle slacking off.

"What? Beckett finally wear you down?" Rick forces out a laugh, but she sees right through it.

"Puh-lease. He's relentless," Beckett says, trying to rescue him.

"When are you coming back, Castle?" Ryan questions, taking another swig of scotch.

Castle sighs. "I can't come back." Just hearing it again makes her stomach clench. "Not for a while at least."

"What aren't you telling us, Castle?"

"Um. Alexis…Alexis was diagnosed with leukemia. That's why I wanted everyone to get together tonight." His voice cracks as he speaks, giving away the façade he's had up all evening. She settles a hand on his thigh under the table.

Ryan's face visibly falls, as does Jenny's. Esposito's expression is unreadable.

"I'm so sorry, Rick," Jenny says, breaking the silence that's engulfed them. "If there's anything we can do…"

"Yeah, man. Anything at all, you let us know, okay?"

"Anything you need, Castle," Ryan says, finally finding his voice.

"Thanks. I appreciate that," Castle croaks. "Excuse me a minute?"

Everyone mumbles something along the lines of 'yeah' and Castle leaves the room without another word.

* * *

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Castle sighs, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

"Castle," Kate presses, coming closer, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Rick rakes a hand through his hair and turns to face her, hesitation written all over his features. "Something's wrong. I think she's-. I don't know, Kate. Meredith called and Alexis texted me, but she's not picking up now and I just-" He stops abruptly, a soft sigh escaping his lips. "I don't know."

"Castle," she says again, careful to make her tone gentle.

"I can't fix it, Kate. I can't make it go away." Kate nudges Castle's shoulder and waits for him to look back up, meet her eyes. "I can't kiss her band-aid or buy her an ice cream cone. I can't fix it."

"I know."

"So what do I do?"

"Be there for her. Trust me Castle, that's one of the best things for her to have. Just knowing that you're standing beside her will make all the difference in the world."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

He smiles and nods back towards the Old Haunt. "Guess we should go back, huh?"

"I can hold down the fort. Go be with Alexis. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"Always."

* * *

"Daddy," she says, sounding like a six year old little girl. Castle wraps his arms around his daughter and pulls her against his chest, murmuring words of comfort into her ear.

His heart breaks for Alexis. For all the mothering his own mother has done, it's never been the same as having Meredith. Alexis needs her now more than ever and Meredith is too selfish and self-absorbed to see that, or to care at all.

He kind of wants to kill his ex-wife. And hey, he knows people now. Maybe Kate could-

"I need to go for a walk," she says suddenly, her breath hitching. He doesn't like that idea. His leukemia-diagnosed daughter, emotionally wrecked, wandering through New York alone at night. It doesn't sit well with him, but Alexis is already pulling away from him and heading for the door.

"Sweetheart, I really don't feel comfortable-"

"I need to think it out alone, Dad. I need to clear my head." He can still hear the tears in her voice, knows that they're still silently coursing down her cheeks, fueled by an anger and pain that he can't even begin to imagine. It kills him.

He wishes this was like when she was little and he could give her an ice cream cone or kiss her band aid. He wishes he could fix it.

He _needs_ to fix it, make it better, rid her of the cancer and the pain her mother has caused her.

But he's powerless against it.

"Alexis." She leaves wordlessly, wallet and phone in hand, shutting the door firmly behind her.

Well there goes that.

It takes every ounce of self-control he has (and really that's not much), to stay in his living room. He has to swallow down the panic rising up in him - _she's not a little girl anymore_.

That doesn't stop him from calling Meredith.

* * *

She wanders through the back corridors, down a few flights of steps, until she's met with the back entrance of the building. Hardly anyone knows about it; it's used so rarely, hidden so well, tucked into a corner off to the side.

Despite her better judgment, she pushes on the metal bar and steps out into the alley. Darkness covers her instantly, but a part of her has been craving it.

No one can see her tears now; no one can see how much she's shaking, unable to quell the betrayal and feeling of loss that boils in her stomach.

She can't be called weak when she's surrounded by a sea of black nothingness, hidden from everyone else. She doesn't have to worry about being strong for anyone but herself.

She can't bear for her father to know how much she's hurting, cancer aside. He's tried so hard to be both a mother and a father for her and he's done wonderfully, but this time she really does need both, two separate entities.

Alexis slides against the wall and curls into a ball, her body shaking with the intensity of her emotions. The bandage on her back ruffles as she moves, reminds her of the battle she started today.

She has to beat this.

* * *

**:)CastleWriter16**


End file.
